I think we’ve all done some super shitty things in our time, but I also like to think that people can change, and those shitty things can be redeemed.
I know that’s not always the case, though. Sometimes those shitty things are done by shitty people incapable of the inward thinking needed to make any sort of active change.
Yesterday, a friend told me a story about how a girl he thought he was gonna partner ended up partnering someone else. My reaction was “lol SL”. He then went on to talk about how he took a long time friend and occasional fuckbuddy to the sim he met the newly partnered girl on, and proceeded to fuck in public. Partner girl ended up getting a little upset, my friend did that “Lol what you’re partnered” routine, despite her having exactly the reaction he would have expected, and my friend still thinks he’s in the right. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an asshole too. Guess they’d have been the perfect couple after all, huh?
He ended up deleting me from his friends list because I told him HE was shitty. I get why he deleted me, he’s just not ready to hear it. It doesn’t make me less sad, but it does make me think about those friends I’ve lost – TRUE friends – who tried to tell me the truth before I was ready to listen too.
I’ve been him. I’ve been hedonistic and focused on my own ego and pleasure so much that I’ve hurt people who cared about me. I’ve done it over, and over, and over. I can’t take it back and in certain circumstances I have apologized, but I definitely don’t expect to be forgiven for doing a shitty thing to someone I cared about. I gave him the same talk someone else gave me, knowing the outcome. When you’re so focused on yourself, you cannot possibly understand the pain you’re causing others despite feeling it yourself. It consumes you, opens you up and I guess the immediate thing you want to feel is that smug pleasure in knowing that you’ve hurt someone the same way as you’re hurting. Throw it back at them, because heaven forbid you deal with it inside and allow any sort of understanding yourself to happen – that’s even harder to deal with than the burn of your ego being bruised.
I’m trying to be better and not be a petty bitch, but sometimes she creeps out. I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be, and if you hurt me now I will confront you, and most likely block you if there’s no remorse. I’m done with people who don’t feel, and as someone with BPD I can often feel ‘too much’, but being made to feel ‘too much’ is even more detrimental to me. I hope if someone came to me the same way I would be just as open to listen, and as sympathetic and apologetic as I expect others to be toward me. I know I can be blunt, I just hope that’s a bonus!
I hope my friend finds his happy. I hope he finds that one girl who brightens his day and who he can be real with.
Make it a beautiful day, Spoonies. You’re worth it. xoxo.