For a while I’ve not been writing in this blog, not ‘properly’ how I used to, I’ve been saying “I’m tired” a lot, and I am, but it’s the good tired. I decided to take a few minutes today to actually sit down and give an update on a bit of everything.
If you don’t want to read, don’t. but it’s my blog and I’ll write if I want to. Okay? Okay. 😛
It’s no secret that I’ve been on a bit of a mental health kick. I’ve been trying to improve everything in my life starting with that part of me, because if I can’t handle life, I can’t live it. The most important thing for me to be able to do was to have more contact with my daughter. She’s 17 years old now, and autistic. A brief update to catch you up is that for around 8 years she was living full time with my parents. There’s more detailed information on that elsewhere in the blog so if you’re super interested you can probably find the story. Just before Corona hit us all and fucked everything up, she was coming to stay with me a couple of nights a week. It slowed down again for a bit, but now with the restrictions being lifted and more being known about the virus, she’s back with me from Friday to Sunday and again Monday & Tuesday. I’d like to tell you it’s been without challenges and we’re getting on like a house on fire. I mean, we do get on quite incredibly well given the circumstances, which is an absolute blessing. However, it’s come to my attention that while I work on my mental health, she obviously needs help with hers, too.
My child has no self confidence and doesn’t believe she’s capable of doing much more than sitting on her computer playing games. While there’s a big part of me that 100% understands that, because I’ve been there, when I got there I was 30. I’d had some semblance of a life before I shut myself away and decided humanity was too much for me, but my daughter is still a child. We’ve had some epic blow outs. I’ve threatened to throw her out into the street because she’s crying so loudly without any self control (note, she’s high functioning autistic, and I’m actually questioning the autism diagnosis on the down low because BPD & Autism have a lot of intertwined traits and she’s more likely to be BPD due to my having it, and the environment she’s being bought up in being the same as the one I was bought up in as she lives with my parents – however, that’s an entirely different story). The whole reason she decided to have a complete melt down was because i’d asked her to make her own sandwich for lunch. I had two hours of “I CAN’T”, while trying to stand my ground, I had 30 minutes of her beating at her mattress as she lay on her bed screaming about how I was unfair and it was ‘my job’. Now, I’m not a complete asshole… and I know this all seems a bit mean, but at 17 years old she should be capable of making herself a bloody sandwich, autistic or not. Eventually she did. She didn’t make me one too (now who’s the asshole!), but she made herself one, and that was a small victory. When she was calm and had food in her belly we sat down and talked about why it was important for her to be doing these things herself. I know she has it ‘easy’ at my parents – but it’s also not easy. I’ve recently figured out that my mother is my narcissist, and that means she’s probably my daughters narcissist too. My mother is the type of person that will whine and complain when you’re not doing something, but as soon as you start will take over because you’re not doing it right, leaving you feeling less than, and not enough. When my daughter is here, I will absolutely force her to do these things for herself to show her how enough she is, how funny, and smart and clever she is, to try and combat the negative that she’s probably dealing with elsewhere in her life.
It’s obviously going to be an ongoing project, but it’s one that is already showing me signs of being the right thing to do. I just know she can be a functioning member of society if she’s given enough support and finds the confidence in herself.
In news about me… I’m actually kind of proud of myself. I have an absolutely terrifying desire to be the partner of someone who has the traits of narcissism and or sociopathy. I know, pretty dark. I’ve said before that “we accept the love we think we deserve” and for me, because of that little bpd brain I have that tries to tell me I’m not worth anything, and because of the way I was bought up as a child, I’m now attracted to complete assholes. This week, however, I caught myself falling into that trap again in SL. While speaking with this fella, I was hyper aware that there was that whiny little brat in me bubbling up inside my throat desperate to throw a tantrum, and the second I suggested that maybe they could do something simple… like tell me something NICE about me that day rather than picking holes in my appearance or telling me I’m dumb, I got the response “Stop whinging. It’s banter, innit?” It’s not banter when -everything- you’re saying has a negative connotation. When every sentence is a tail off that you never respond to, or when questions are left unanswered until you’re prodded further, when you’re being invited over and over again but never initiate the invite yourself, when you just ‘show up’ out of the blue when it’s convenient for you and expect entertainment, when you’re spending time with people that you’ve slagged off and claim you “don’t like to think about” despite being with them 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, and most of all when you can’t apologize for hurting someone else’s feelings, I have become adult enough to go “NOPE!” rather than “NOTICE ME SENPAI”, and hurray for that.
Finally I am finding my worth, and I’m not ashamed to say that 90% of the people in SL just don’t fucking deserve me. I would rather be content on my platform on my own, occasionally speaking to the few people who have shown me their hearts, than be with another fucking psychopath 24/7 who can’t find a reason to say anything nice about me, ever. I want MORE, and I deserve it too.
Make it a beautiful day, Spoonies. You’re worth it. xoxo.