I decided to take a trip into my inventory and start cleaning it up again today. Two years ago it was pretty bad, but i’ve managed to keep mostly on top of it, but there are some times where months go by and i just leave things un-sorted, and this was one of those times. I’d sorted everything out down to my objects, but then I come across a cute little folder in my notecards called “keep”, and I stumbled across a letter I’d written to the most toxic ex I’ve ever had, the last time he left me.
I was a mess, he’d left me after telling me he loved me, leaving me crying on skype for maybe about two hours, with me so exhausted I couldn’t even think straight – let alone function. I asked for him to let me sleep, and he said okay, I love you, talk to you in the morning. When I woke up, his skype had been deleted and his SL profile said he was taking a break. I was legitimately physically sick, because I depended on him in the most awful, unhealthy way.
This letter opened up old wounds and left me sobbing into my keyboard. It’s been almost four years, but I remembered being that girl – the girl who couldn’t survive without him. The girl who thought that her world had crumbled because she’d lost the love of her life. The girl who would take the abuse, accusations and insults, because that’s all she believed she was worth… and the girl who wanted nothing more than to love this terrible, awful human being who got a sick sense of pleasure by breaking her… and I missed him still.
Okay, maybe not him exactly, but I missed how good it felt when it was good, and I mourned that again today. I cried for the girl who allowed that absolute asshole to let her believe that things that good only came to people who fought through the terrible. I mourned for the girl who wanted to give love and receive love so badly, she felt she needed to accept that his toxic show of affection was everything she deserved, and I mourned because I don’t think I’ll ever feel that amount of love for someone again and although I don’t want THAT relationship, I do want that love, but there’s no way I’ll be able to put up with the crap that I went through to get that smattering of absurd Joker/HarleyQuinn romanticized bullshit nor do I want to. I don’t want THAT. But I DO want love.
It left me feeling very strange toward myself, and made me remember that I used to have a friend who had “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” in their profile, and how I’d feel SO dumb every time I forgave the fucker above and sought some solstice with that smart friend. I remember telling myself how utterly absurd it was to expect someone to change, but maybe if i did all the things he wanted this time, I could… and how dumb I was for seeking comfort from someone who knew what I was doing was absolutely bonkers, but being unable to stop myself there too. The opinions of others mean too much for people like me to casually ignore, even now, and I’m still learning how to continue knowing that there are people out there who don’t know me as I am now, but as I was. I’m not that girl anymore. You cannot take advantage of me, and while it’s made me occasionally bitter and jaded, i’d much rather feel that right now than feel like the girl that kept trying, despite being destined to fail – not at everything, but with this particular fuckface that’s all it could ever have led to. I didn’t know for a while whether I wanted to cuddle and coddle old me that went through this, or to tell her off, and finally, I settled on thanking her.
That’s something I’ve been trying to do a lot, lately. I do it with my body, despite me not always liking how I look I have learned to love it, and today gave me the opportunity to thank the old me, for being strong enough to leave something for the new me and although I would never in a million years wish many of my experiences on other people, I will be forever grateful to have lived through them, for all my scars – mentally and physically, and for my time here.
Make it a beautiful day, Spoonies, and whatever you’re doing, please try to find the good in it, I promise you, there’s some there. xoxo
Ps, totally putting this in mental health monday despite it being Saturday!