But am I?
I’ve found myself recently turning into the possessive and insecure type of person that has previously been abusive towards me. I don’t like being this “out of control, don’t you do that or it means this” type of girl, because I’ve always been incredibly open to other people’s lifestyles and needs, but it’s almost as though having been put in that position of having my head fucked has rubbed off, and now even the simplest of innocent flirtations can mean instant jealousy for me.
I’m trying to be open about this, because I don’t believe that I am that girl, and if I ever have been, I definitely do not want to be again.
As of right now, however, literally everything triggers me. I understand fully why – I mean if you look at recent friendships and relationships, there’s no doubt that I’ve been kicked in the ass a few times by people who claimed to love me, and for the most part I’m almost certain that’s not me playing the victim – but then a victim would say that, right? Right, well that there is just a little hint at how my brain works, and in these cases I have to trust my gut and not my head.
I feel loved. I feel cherished. I feel like I can trust again and that I’m putting my love and trust into the right person. What I don’t love or trust, is me and that confuses me because I believed I was well on the way to self love.
The only explanation I can give is that when I started healing I was concentrating on me… other people didn’t really fit into the conversation and when they did, it was in tiny details. Add to that the people who I was around then were comfortable with the old me, I think I became so strong minded and so set in keeping to my boundaries, that I really wasn’t letting anyone in, and when I started to, those ideals that my abuser had hammered into my head, now became the norm for all relationships in the future. Not only do I have -my- brain telling me “You’re not enough, he’s going to leave, you’re such a weirdo” I also have the abusers voice telling me “If you do that, it means you’re a cheat and a liar, he’s doing that. You’re nothing, you’re not worthy of love. No one could love you in all your fucked-up-ness.” The difference now is that I don’t have that sickly feeling in my gut telling me that it’s all wrong that I have had before. I DO have my brain telling me one thing, and then when I talk it through (it’s the only way I know how to take accountability sometimes), I realize how absolutely unreasonable I’m being, but I also can’t stop the crazy and have to let it all play out.
I know this is all about me and my insecurities still. I know I must still feel like I’m undeserving of anything other than difficult, toxic relationships and in a sick way, that’s my comfort zone. But i’m tired of my comfort zone and actually want to be comfortable. As a wise man says to me quite often “I just want to exist, and to love.” Fingers crossed, I get there – and soon.
Make it a beautiful day, Spoonies. YOU deserve it – don’t let anyone or anything convince you differently. xoxo.