I’m looking far more glamorous in this dress than I feel today.
I guess it IS monday, so it’d make the perfect time for a post about how I’m doing, in terms of mental health…
It’s not a good day today. My anxiety is pretty much at it’s highest, I have a man in my kitchen I don’t know trying to fix a boiler that he doesn’t understand and has never seen before, regardless of the fact that my landlord has said it was new when I moved in (the gas man plumber person seems to think it’s much older), and i’m struggling to keep the crazy bitch in me quiet.
I’m not sure why something so simple can trigger something so rotten in me. I don’t feel rotten, but I really do want to just lean in and blow up the world… but I also don’t, because I know tomorrow, I’ll be sad Pickle again – and I quite like it when Pickle ISN’T sad.
I’m starting to think there may be a bit of fear mixed in as well. In RL, I haven’t been this organized and with it for maybe 8 years and in SL, I’m trying new things – which always scares me because when I open up to new friendships, I have often felt like i’m opening up to new hurt – and I’m done being hurt.
The only thing I can cling to is that sad Pickle, impulsive, reckless Pickle, isn’t rearing her head as often as she once did – and although this is the absolute worst I have been in probably about a year, I’m controlling my emotions to a far greater degree than ever before and i’m removing myself from situations that are making me feel less than, in order to keep at least a semblance of balance in my life. I believe Scared Pickle is probably a good thing. It means I’m starting to live again, and starting to believe that there could be more, I just need to learn to placate myself and self soothe a little more than I currently am. There’s no need for me to make OTHER people uncomfortable around me, just because I can’t cope. Ultimately, things for me are good right now. Really good. Not just SL, but RL too, and I’m thoroughly enjoying making plans again. I’m hopeful that the rl situation will be fixed today (a girl can dream), which will probably lead to a whole lot of weight and anxiety off of my shoulders.
So it’s not all bad, is it? Some days you have to go low, so that you can enjoy the highs of the next.
Make it a beautiful day, Spoonies. You deserve it. xoxo